what modernity is not

It is 2:45 am in the morning and it is safe to say that I am stone drunk. I know because when I laugh, I can’t stop laughing, and when I am annoyed, I just cannot move beyond that very annoying feeling of having been annoyed.

Does this happen to others too, that when they are drunk, somehow things are clearer than they have ever been? As if its just a matter of blurring the vision a bit, taking a step back and the hyper activity a notch lower. It’s almost as if I am a third person, watching the unfolding theatrics. I noticed this feeling, of crystal clarity when smashed, during my first pubbing session in London. I remember as well as if it happened just hours ago, that conversation about different elites in society with A and R over a game of snooker and many glasses of wine. I remember thinking, I have never thought this well, this precisely and this thoroughly about social, political and cultural elites before.

So exactly what is modernity? What does it mean to be a 'modern' person, with an open mind? Is intellectual refinement equivalent to modernity? Can modernity and social norms ever go hand in hand? Is it possible to be liberated and polite in a gathering at the same time?

I have debated and discussed several times over and over again with myself regarding this. My background of feminism and political science makes is difficult for me to overlook some details minor to others but essentially significant to me. The position of women in society, in the household and in relationships has been something very close to my heart, since perhaps even before I knew what feminism meant or stood for. The private is political debate has shaped the way I look at everything from movies to apples and oranges. Over the years, however, I have made a buffer of peace with myself that allows me to 'live' without agonising over every grueling tiny technicality. Sharing every moment of your life in a partnership with a man, working as a team towards common goals has helped rationalise these 'adjustments' in life, which I sometimes feel are nothing but symbolic of greater personal maturity and acceptance of a less than perfect reality.

It is in this context that I find the increasing trend of justifying blatant bad manners and a lack of decorum in the name of modernity, feminism and the right of self expression utterly unacceptable. And all of this emanating from the self-consuming unshakeable belief that some people have that they are always and in all contexts right and the other person before them is just one damn fool character. Since when did abusing your spouse in public for minor, inconsequential things become a matter of freely expressing your opinion, without any compassion for your spouse’s feelings? Why do we feel that we can unashamedly tell another person on their face about how stupid we think they are in the name of friendship? When did guests stop behaving like courteous, grateful friends and started taking their host's kindness for granted?

I believe that we are justifying many a foolish and clearly unpleasant words and actions in the name of modernity and boldness. Cleaning the kitchen has nothing to do with subservience and power once you and your partner have decided that it is only and only about keeping the kitchen clean in familial interest and both shall strive towards that goal. If the only way in which you can communicate with others, including your family, is to let them know what you think is wrong with them, then clearly there is something very wrong with yourself in the first instance.

Hence my increased sense of irritation today. My point is this, I am all for changing with the times, but I don’t believe that we have to necessarily give up on being civilized human beings for that. We can be nice to each other, say thank you and please, smile a little, help around a bit, and still have a healthy difference of opinion while respecting the other person’s right to have a divergent opinion. Why must we always say, I am right and you are wrong even though I don’t care about understanding what you are saying? Should we not be becoming more instead of less civilized as the days go by?

Politeness and good manners are almost relics of a bygone era. Aggressiveness is the attitude of the times and you are a loser if you are not ready to kick some serious butt at every possible moment in life. I am disgusted and disheartened with this attitude, in more ways than is possible to elaborate. Perhaps those who claim others lack sophistication and culture need to take a serious look in the mirror and then kick some serious self-butt.