Cakes and cuddles

We've had birthday parties, tears, days out and obscenely lazy days at home. Lots of reading, some knitting, starting work and feeling a bit lost, meeting with friends, and loads of drinking. 

It's been so full on I can absolutely completely not believe that we are only one week into the beginning of the send half of this school term. Once again, I really must enquire, where on earth is the time going? 

A glorious day

We are in the midst of the winter half term here. Which means that mommy and daddy are on full time duty - to entertain and amuse the kids. It's not really like that, but it feels like that sometimes. Like the day just won't end. Like if I heard one more word of whining or bickering I couldn't take it anymore. Like if I get one more "Eeeuw! this is yucky!" or "I am so bored!" or "Mamma! hold me!" for the millionth time, I would run away.

Sigh. Deep breathing. More deep breathing.

Today we were determined not to go down this well-trodden path. We went to another National Trust garden, and it was totally worth the effort. What a glorious day we had! The sun shone bright and warm. The sky was clear blue. The trees majestic in their bare nakedness. The landscape truly heartening, life affirming. I really needed this - being out in nature. It calms me like nothing else.

We've been to these gardens before but only done the bits that the kids wanted. Today we went for a proper walk. It was a lovely trek. Not too strenuous, but enough to work up a gentle rhythm, at a good pace. Simba is remarkably good at this kind of thing. Babi was on her daddy's shoulders a fair bit, but he wasn't complaining.

It was cold, but the sun seemed to make it all ok. It was the perfect day out. Please today, do come back again, soon!

Snow, and some

And just like that, it's February. Where is time flying to with such speed? 

We had some snow. Lots of it actually, and then, just like that, it was gone. But while it lasted, there was fun to be had. 

Cracking it big time!

Is this for real?? It does look like it is! Really REALLY real! Yes, that's me finally figuring out knitting in the round on double pointed needles. How cool is that!  I am on a serious high 😀

A perspective or two

I've been so awfully unwell this past week I doubt I've felt this bad an awful lot before. Terrible flu, GP refusing to give antibiotics, kids refusing to get off me, all in all it felt very much as if the universe was conspiring against me. I was soon proved wrong though. Everyone around me, husband, friends, everyone seems to be afflicted by these bugs and nasties doing the rounds. All kids are being adorable and painful simultaneously, and everyone has had tough decisions to make.

A sedative induced sleep has its benefits though. It leaves you in a blur, giving a unique perspective on things. It equalises things rather beautifully - nothing is too good, everything is equally bad? It was in that blurry state when I was fighting to close eyes and Babi was forcing them open that I realised that options are more often than not illusions that we entertain ourselves with. Like the concept of multiple universes, different options exist only in the realm of hypothesis. Reality is one. Tangible. True. Testable. 

And it was this realisation that gave me the strength to say no today. To an offer that was just short of derisory. It burst my bubble of "options". I choose to live in the world of reality of my own making, thank you very much. It has no frills attached, and is frankly quite barebone, but I think that has something to do with its honesty. It has taken me all this while and truckloads of strength to get here. Not minded to give it all up so easily. 

Babi made me this get well soon card. With lots of flowers in her favourite colours. Love love love! 

Comforting crochet

While things picked up a bit as the week came to a close, the weekend has been hit hard with bugs and viruses. Both Simba and Babi are down with colds and coughs. Babi has whined and suffered throughout the weekend feeling very miserable and sorry for herself. Simba cried through the night and kept us awake, wondering how we could help him, and therefore help ourselves get back to sleep. Babi, when she is unwell, is clingy. When Simba is unwell, he is clingy. And for some strange reason, neither wants to cling to daddy. Only mommy will do. Poor, exhausted mommy. Who would gladly be loved second best just this once. 

So we've been home, all other plans cancelled. Plonked on the sofa watching mind numbing telly. Thank goodness for crochet. It soothes, comforts, and reminds me that even on days like these when the kids make you wish you hadn't gotten out of bed, there are things of beauty and function to be enjoyed, savoured. The familiar rhythem of the crochet hook soothes disturbed nerves, like the company of an old friend. Like a warm cup of tea on a cold winter afternoon. Like the hum of the clock - friendly, constant. 

I see loads more reliance on crochet in the near future - doubt the kids will be going to school tomorrow. Thank god for small mercies. 😀

Just keep swimming

After a most frustrating week which revealed personal and professional limitations without any softening of blows, two things have helped restore the balance somewhat:

1. Good friends

2. Good wine

I have nearly made peace with the fact that things don't always end up the way one hoped/planned. And I have grudgingly accepted the reality that's staring me in the face - that I must embark upon the unknown once more. It is tough, no doubt. Counting on friends and wine to come through repeatedly! 

Then again, alongside the despair and gloom, I can't help but remember Albert Camus and the "invincible summer" he refers to so eloquently. Perhaps, there is hope yet, just maybe I still have the will to fight. In the words of the great Dorrie from Finding Nemo, I must, "just keep swimming".

The price of motherhood

Warning - This is a rant post.

Scenario 1:
A young woman decides to take a year or two off from work to go exploring the world, learn about another culture, try her hands at something different/exciting. Nobody questions it, work colleagues wish her well and are excited for her. Two years later when this young explorer returns to the marketplace, she is welcomed with open arms, set up for promotions and salary increments, and generally considered an asset to the organisation.

Scenario 2:
A young woman decides to take a year or two off from work to look after her young family, be there for her little ones, and not miss out on her children's early years. People question her - how  does she feel about giving up her career? There is no sense of excitement, its more like the end of a promising work life. Two years later when this young mum wants to return to the marketplace, she is asked to justify her actions, her skills are tested again (lest her brain have dissolved into babyfood), and is made to start from scratch and work her way up.

While these are both hypothetical cases, do they not sound uncannily true?

How is it possible that we place the tiniest of tiny value on motherhood? Anything, any work is considered better, more worthwhile than being a mother. There is only one thing worse than being a mother - being a mother who wants to spend time with her children, who wants to raise her children herself and watch them grow. The market out there does NOT support parents, definitely not mums who take motherhood seriously. No wonder children are going through crises after crises. We just don't value parenting as a society.

Have you ever noticed, how on the trains, if there is a person on board with a dog, the dog and the owner get looks of adoration from fellow passengers. Not so for a parent. If there is a child on the train, everyone avoids proximity to the child and the parent/carer. Worse still, if the child is crying - you've had it. If looks could slaughter, you would be mince, were you to have a crying child with you on the train.

Something is very wrong with society, with the way people think. Surely, children, being our own future, should be valued and cherished? Surely, raising our children is an adventure that society and the workplace must look up to? Surely mothers wanting to return to the workforce should be welcomed with enthusiasm and fervour?

This world makes very little sense to me. I am going back to my yarn and crochet hook. At least there is order and a sensible function of cause and effect there.

I am Charlie

Inhuman, barbaric, vile. I could go on but I find myself consumed with anger and disbelief. No religion preaches such monstrosities. If your God condones this, then it is not a god. And if you condone this, then you are not human. 

The pen is mightier than the sword. May more pens take up the fight. And may our children inherit an irreligious world. Bereft of the sickness that organised religion has become. We are capable of thriving without the religious crutch. The challenge is to learn to walk ourselves, as conscious, thinking beings. Do we dare? 

Bare beginnings

This time of the year always takes my by surprise. The bare branches of the trees, the bare, seemingly empty space left by the now gone Christmas tree and decorations, and the bare newness of a new year. Like the empty pages of a new notebook, waiting, challenging you to fill it with untold stories, bold new adventures. But that's now how everyday life works, does it? No new adventures here, just getting up at 6 in the morning, getting the kids ready for school, not forgetting their lunch boxes and PE kits, managing to reach school in time. Small deeds of great significance. Building character, building lives. All from the bare newness of each day. Going on great adventures is easier. Writing lofty tales is more thrilling. 

Every year I resist this transition. From the cosiness and warmth of the holidays to the cold, get-on-with-the-job practicality of January. I'm sure many people do. I try to dull my senses to the fact that time doesn't, cannot possibly stand still. I try all means at my disposal to trick myself into believing that it may well, for some brief moments, have indeed halted its motion. Then January comes along and shatters my bubble. I find my child-like desire to hold on to lazy days spent at home with family rather curious. In all likelihood it's roots lie in my childhood. When we spent endless happy holidays discovering the world and ourselves. 

The little things

We did something entirely wonderful yesterday. A speedy car journey away lies a magical old house built a long time ago to entertain the children of a wealthy family. The house has extensive, versatile gardens and you never know what you will discover around the next bend. The house, and it's lands, are now in the trusty hands of the National Trust. And that allows common people like us to 'make it our own', if you like.

If only it wasn't so cold. Our feet were icy, despite warm footwear, and fingers felt numb and frozen. But there is something to be said for having fun outdoors in the face of adverse weather. I know it takes supreme effort to get out of one's warm home, put on layer upon layer of clothing, and brave the reluctance of stubborn children who would much rather spend the day playing odd games on the iPad. More often than not, though, it is worth it in the end. It definitely was this time.

The children played and got completely involved in the activity trail. The views were stunning, the air fresh, crisp. Healthy, wholesome entertainment for the full family. To add to it all, we had the company of good friends. And cake to end the day. There was a grumpy saleswoman at the cafe but probably best to remove that little bit of an irritant from memory as swiftly as possible. All in all, a top day.

Lights, bells and hitting the accelerator

Another year bites the dust. Everything feels different, yet not too much. My kids are growing up, Simba is now fast approaching his sixth birthday and I sometimes struggle to keep up with his amazing mind, and awesome flare-ups. Babi has become this gorgeous, smart, clever little girl person. When did this happen? How is it that the little moments slipped unnoticed, leaving in me only a deep sense of joy, like a smile that lingers on? And how do I rationalise the sadness, of my babies growing up, of A and me growing old, of life throwing one challenge after another and the little moments getting over-shadowed by the small, and big, challenges? 

I breathe, and sing, and tickle the children, and laugh, and spend wonderful evenings with cherished friends. We eat, drink, chat about the kids, laugh a lot, listen to beautiful music, enjoy the banter. Steady my heart! As the one and only Alanis Morrisette says, "What it all comes down to, is that everything's gonna be quite alright. "