Christmas time

We are so looking forward to the holidays!

I did it.

Finally I did it. After months of going this way and then that, I finally decided to quit.

I didn't want to write about it till I had had time to come to terms with quitting a job that paid. Now that its been a couple of weeks since I did it, I am happy to say I am exhibiting no serious withdrawal symptoms so far. In fact, much to my surprise, I am convinced that I made the right decision. Since usually I don't feel this way about anything, I am pleasantly surprised. Hmm, maybe finally I am growing up.

It took a lot of courage to do it. The agonising 'what if' debates with self and spouse, the crippling 'this is the end of me as an intelligent, productive person' sobbing sessions, and the looking at the kids with 'what the hell was I thinking' looks only helped, I feel, in the making of the final decision. I had to admit that my job did not define me as a person, that 'what if' can be applied to pretty much anything in life/world, and that it is not about the kids, it is about me. Its been one hell of a soul-searching journey, and I think I came out at the other end ok.

My brother, in his usual tongue in cheek fashion, asked, "so you a full-time housewife now?" Ouch! That hurt. I hate to admit it but it really hurt. So I got thinking. How would I describe myself? I have hardly been a traditional wife. I have hardly been a 'home-maker'. But I have been a totally devoted mother. So, for the moment, I think if a label I must have, then I'd like it to be a 'full-time mum'. I can settle for that. Because that happens to be the reality of this moment.

And in all honesty, I am loving this new job. The people I work with are by far my most favorite-st in the whole world! :-)

I made this

Somewhere in the middle of my first pregnancy, I was hit by the creative bug. It surfaced time and again with varying intensity for the next two and a half years.

But the second pregnancy was a completely different matter. I walked around like a woman possessed, itching to make something beautiful from chocolate wrappers, stray ribbons, torn pieces of gift wrapping.

I'd been putting off quilting for a few years but the second pregnancy was having none of it. I had to (you see I didn't have an option) get myself a sewing machine, the rotary cutter and mat, the entire kit caboodle.

And quilt after quilt materialised out of the semi-formed ideas in my head. I shall hopefully get round to showing you pictures of these soon. The trouble is, sitting down at the computer is more and more difficult. I'm writing this post on my mobile.

So quilts, crochet blankets, swaddle blankets and stuffed toys all done. I got up one morning in March and just had to make pajamas for the kids. It just had to be done. You do realise that I have no control over these urges.

This is what I made.

Making sense of chaos

I struggle with change. I know that very well. But this time around the struggle is camouflaged by daily chores, the work that comes with takin care of two children, and the relentlessness of it all.

It's not helping that we have embarked on the life changing mission of potty training for N. He thinks it's a bloody waste of time, and will do anything to frustrate my attempts to civilise him just a little bit. Sigh.

I'm trying to remind myself that I love him. He's not in the slightest mood to make it easy. I have finally accepted that this one is going to be a long drawn battle.

A vase full of beautiful spring time roses ad a cup of tea are so what I need right now.

And in the backdrop looms that big ominous decision yet to be made/announced. Whether I'm going back to work or not. I'm do not good with this indecision phase. I so need to know what I will finally decide to do. Big sigh.

Teething

I think little M is teething. Or it could be wind. Or tiredness. Whatever it is, she is mighty cross. Which means she is mighty clingy. Which means N is annoyed that mommy is holding M too much. Which means N suddenly feels sad and wants cuddles too.

All of this makes for a very unhappy mommy. Too much noise, too much clinging, too much mommy, mommy, mommy.

Deep breathe. And another. This too shall pass.

Note to self: Remember, you love them.

Happy international women's day

This women's day, I am:

• Enjoying some good old fun time with a woman of tomorrow, my little daughter
• Thinking about what it means to be a woman, what it means to be me
• Thinking about what I want to hand down to my daughter, ideas, values and attitudes
• Smiling, thinking that she will probably have her own ideas and it is so much better that way
• The choices I have made, and those that I am about to make (a big one looming - watch this space!)
• Grateful for the education that I have had, enabling me to think for myself
• Letting the inner woman loose without any pre-designed agenda. At the moment, this female of the species only wants to make, make and make some more.

I am working on a crochet ripple blanket right now. Its taking its time and I am enjoying spending time with it, whatever time I'm able to sneak out for our warm huddles together that is.

What are you thinking of today?

Happy women's day to you!

Me time

When I was younger, in what seems like a different era now, those weekends when I got to spend time just by myself were recognised as successful ones. Because that allowed me to read uninterrupted, eat what I fancied, and sleep as much as I desired.

Something changed in the 20s. I craved company, friends, family, anything would do. There was a sense of desperation almost, like I would lose out on something big by being by myself. As if something terrible would happen if I were to be left alone with my thoughts, feelings and wishes.

A loving husband, two beautiful children, a home of my own and more than a decade down the song and dance of life, I again find myself craving alone time. I realise that partly it is a reaction to the intense mothering I am involved in these days, well, for the last 3 years now. The physical and emotional giving of ones self is so much at the moment, I sometimes forget that I am more than a mum. Not that being a mum is bad, or that I have any issues with it. Not to justify but only to emphasise, becoming a mother has been the single most amazing, eye-opening, life-changing experience of my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. But just because I love my kids and my role in their lives doesn't mean I don't want a life for myself. And it is in this vein that I put forth the case for some me time, time just for oneself, by oneself. Just quiet, no noise, silent time. Time to actually listen to the thoughts in one's head, conversing with them, letting them go when one is done with them, sticking with them and going to new places if thats what one sees best.

Sounds good?

Well guess what? I actually had that time recently. 25 minutes to be precise. It was wonderful. Well actually after the first 5 minutes of adjusting to the rather strange environment (inside an MRI machine is not ideal but hey, beggars and everything!) And despite the attendant's warning that the machine makes a loud noise, with a little bit of mindfulness, the machine's white noise was blurred into the background and I actually found my head. Beautiful, fresh, untouched thoughts and ideas.

While this was forced seclusion, I'm only just beginning to acknowledge the importance of time with oneself, all by oneself. After the birth of my son, I met a lot of new mums, did a lot of motherly socialisation and gave in to the popular belief that new mothers are very lonely and therefore must make all possible attempts to meet other mums as much as they possibly can. I agree that that is true to a certain extent, but most of us, including myself, are trying to run away from our realities by trying to pack the day with anything and everything, so long as it doesn't leave us in our own respective companies. We are so scared to just be, just sit, just breathe, just live this time that is right now, the way it is right now. Fear is primal yes, but also socially acquired. Whatever it might be, its best looked at straight in the eyes, isn't it? So I shall just sit, by myself, in this silence, just be, just breathe.

Try it. It works like magic.

So simple. So so simple, yet so difficult to get one's head around. I didn't think of this till I saw my son, just being, just sitting, so in one with his self, truly, deeply enjoying the moment. Why do we lose this ability to be in the moment as we grow up? I'd hate him to, it would be a profound loss.

So that's what on my mind these days. Trying not to get away from anything, just being. For the moment though, Baby M is making the most amazing noises, enjoying her moment. And I am enjoying this moment with her.