When I was younger, in what seems like a different era now, those weekends when I got to spend time just by myself were recognised as successful ones. Because that allowed me to read uninterrupted, eat what I fancied, and sleep as much as I desired.
Something changed in the 20s. I craved company, friends, family, anything would do. There was a sense of desperation almost, like I would lose out on something big by being by myself. As if something terrible would happen if I were to be left alone with my thoughts, feelings and wishes.
A loving husband, two beautiful children, a home of my own and more than a decade down the song and dance of life, I again find myself craving alone time. I realise that partly it is a reaction to the intense mothering I am involved in these days, well, for the last 3 years now. The physical and emotional giving of ones self is so much at the moment, I sometimes forget that I am more than a mum. Not that being a mum is bad, or that I have any issues with it. Not to justify but only to emphasise, becoming a mother has been the single most amazing, eye-opening, life-changing experience of my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. But just because I love my kids and my role in their lives doesn't mean I don't want a life for myself. And it is in this vein that I put forth the case for some me time, time just for oneself, by oneself. Just quiet, no noise, silent time. Time to actually listen to the thoughts in one's head, conversing with them, letting them go when one is done with them, sticking with them and going to new places if thats what one sees best.
Sounds good?
Well guess what? I actually had that time recently. 25 minutes to be precise. It was wonderful. Well actually after the first 5 minutes of adjusting to the rather strange environment (inside an MRI machine is not ideal but hey, beggars and everything!) And despite the attendant's warning that the machine makes a loud noise, with a little bit of mindfulness, the machine's white noise was blurred into the background and I actually found my head. Beautiful, fresh, untouched thoughts and ideas.
While this was forced seclusion, I'm only just beginning to acknowledge the importance of time with oneself, all by oneself. After the birth of my son, I met a lot of new mums, did a lot of motherly socialisation and gave in to the popular belief that new mothers are very lonely and therefore must make all possible attempts to meet other mums as much as they possibly can. I agree that that is true to a certain extent, but most of us, including myself, are trying to run away from our realities by trying to pack the day with anything and everything, so long as it doesn't leave us in our own respective companies. We are so scared to just be, just sit, just breathe, just live this time that is right now, the way it is right now. Fear is primal yes, but also socially acquired. Whatever it might be, its best looked at straight in the eyes, isn't it? So I shall just sit, by myself, in this silence, just be, just breathe.
Try it. It works like magic.
So simple. So so simple, yet so difficult to get one's head around. I didn't think of this till I saw my son, just being, just sitting, so in one with his self, truly, deeply enjoying the moment. Why do we lose this ability to be in the moment as we grow up? I'd hate him to, it would be a profound loss.
So that's what on my mind these days. Trying not to get away from anything, just being. For the moment though, Baby M is making the most amazing noises, enjoying her moment. And I am enjoying this moment with her.
2 comments:
You've said it so perfectly, something I'd been thinking about in the last few months. School and college times were spent craving those days when i could just loll about the house, clean a bit , read a bit, strut around the house in undies.
And then after the first few heady years of those 'me-days' coming true, there was exactly that sense of desperation, of wanting to fill up all alone time, of feeling that I was getting far too much of it.
It was just over the past couple of years that I found a bit of equilibrium somewhere. That I realised that being alone with my thoughts wasn't such an uncomfortable thing. That it was ok to push away the phone, tv, internet, odd jobs, social calls, and just be. 'in the moment' as you've put it.
And just incidentally I got some me time this week, and then this post from you! :)
Yes, it probably has something to do with growing up, with finally beginning to accept yourself for who you are, faults and everything.I feel like its only now that I have stopped 'fighting' with myself. Such a relief!
So glad you got some 'me time' too! :-)
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