Our daughters and our sons

I am numbed with anger and disbelief as I see the tamasha that is unfolding on the Indian news channels. One girl's tragedy is being used by everyone to further their agenda. What's the point of it all when even today, in educated homes, a girl's birth is a deep disappointment while a boy gets away with murder? We write eloquently about "India's daughter" but rapes continue on the roads of India. Do we even understand what it means to have true equality? We are a nation of big words and speeches, and zero action. In this case the action is required at the micro level, at the home level. Not possible. Because as much as we love to glorify our "traditions" and "culture", our culture is full of inequality, racism and sexism. As much as I would like to think big and hope that change might actually come about, I know it won't. Because we treat our daughters and our sons more differently than we would like to admit to the world.

Pure pain is deeper than words. Look at your daughter and hold her a little bit tighter today, love her like she truly deserves. Hold your son gently, compassionately too, and help him understand that some things are just wrong. No elaborate mathematical formula is required to figure out that this is, above all, a parenting issue. We fail both our daughters and our sons if we don't get this right.

And for truth's sake, stop the glorification of that poor girl's tragedy. She didn't ask to be a martyr. She didn't step out of the cinema hall that fateful night wanting to be the champion of women's rights in India. Can't the media in india, for once, get it's f-ing act straight?

We've taken the plunge

We have been a zero screen home for the last 3 days. And it hasn't been anywhere nearly as bad as I feared it would be. So it is zero screen for the kids, and we are allowed some tv/DVD viewing when the kids are asleep. And so far it has been very good. Mind you, there was Christmas in the middle, so presents and games helped. But even before Christmas, Simba was very willing to listen, to accept the new rules. He did ask for it a couple of times through the first day, but was easily dissuaded. I am very pleasantly surprised.

It all started with a small conversation with Sr. About boundaries for children. And I remember saying to her that sometimes you just need that little reminder, that gentle nudge, pushing you on. At least that is what happened in this case. Luckily, Ar was at home and we both agreed. And decided to do it. So good to have your partner on board where these tricky decisions are concerned.

I think Simba saw that we meant business. He knew that we were not going to back down. He didn't even fight like he normally does. It was a peaceful coup.

Lots more playing, chatting, cuddling, reading, making, drawing is happening. Even Ar decided to draw. And we laughed. His drawings, as you can see, are seriously funny.

Post Christmas hungry hippo madness

Hot off the needles

I just made this!

So thrilled that I actually pulled this off! I'm HAPPY right now!

Stockings

I've decided to make this year's Christmas stockings myself. Probably taken on more than I can chew at the moment. But I'm enjoying the process, as mad and what-the-hell-was-I-thinking as it feels. It's given me more relaxed happiness than I ever imagined I could have at present.

Quite like the little girl I've just embroidered who appears to be lost in making her music on the harp. My needle and thread are quite the instruments for a merry melody.

Last minute making

A jumper for little Babi. A first for me, I've never knit a garment before, save scarves, but then they don't really count do they?

It will go into her pile of Christmas gifts. If it gets done in time, that is. Though I doubt she will mind if it comes as a new year present.

Finished

The scarf is done. Simba initially claimed that it was bothering him and put it aside. He doesn't like wool next to the skin. On seeing the sunken expression on my face he suggested I put it on for him but outside his jacket collar. A happy compromise has thus been reached. He's worn it now every single day to pre-school, much to my delight. Yellow is, after all, his favourite colour.

The worst movie ever

Also happens to be the worst Yash Chopra movie. Jab tak hai jaan. See it if you want to die of boredom and extreme irritation. Can be summed up in one word - yuck!

Do you see that?

Look carefully. It's my DVD player's remote control. Inside the washing machine. Curtesy Miss Babi. Who thought it right I give the remote control a spin wash. Fantastic. Just fantastic.

I made this last night!

It was an absolute delight. This crochet lacey trim for my candle has been on my mind since last christmas, goodness! Time was of the essence so I couldn't do anything elaborate. But this cheers up my Christmas candle quite happily I think. Yay!!!

We made this!

Simba and I. Together. So much fun. We're working on a wreath at the moment and going a little bit giddy with childish joy as we twist wire into random shapes! Bliss!

Making

A scarf for Simba. He chose the yarn, especially the colour. He hearts yellow with a vengeance- my sunshine baby!

Christmas time

We are so looking forward to the holidays!

I did it.

Finally I did it. After months of going this way and then that, I finally decided to quit.

I didn't want to write about it till I had had time to come to terms with quitting a job that paid. Now that its been a couple of weeks since I did it, I am happy to say I am exhibiting no serious withdrawal symptoms so far. In fact, much to my surprise, I am convinced that I made the right decision. Since usually I don't feel this way about anything, I am pleasantly surprised. Hmm, maybe finally I am growing up.

It took a lot of courage to do it. The agonising 'what if' debates with self and spouse, the crippling 'this is the end of me as an intelligent, productive person' sobbing sessions, and the looking at the kids with 'what the hell was I thinking' looks only helped, I feel, in the making of the final decision. I had to admit that my job did not define me as a person, that 'what if' can be applied to pretty much anything in life/world, and that it is not about the kids, it is about me. Its been one hell of a soul-searching journey, and I think I came out at the other end ok.

My brother, in his usual tongue in cheek fashion, asked, "so you a full-time housewife now?" Ouch! That hurt. I hate to admit it but it really hurt. So I got thinking. How would I describe myself? I have hardly been a traditional wife. I have hardly been a 'home-maker'. But I have been a totally devoted mother. So, for the moment, I think if a label I must have, then I'd like it to be a 'full-time mum'. I can settle for that. Because that happens to be the reality of this moment.

And in all honesty, I am loving this new job. The people I work with are by far my most favorite-st in the whole world! :-)

I made this

Somewhere in the middle of my first pregnancy, I was hit by the creative bug. It surfaced time and again with varying intensity for the next two and a half years.

But the second pregnancy was a completely different matter. I walked around like a woman possessed, itching to make something beautiful from chocolate wrappers, stray ribbons, torn pieces of gift wrapping.

I'd been putting off quilting for a few years but the second pregnancy was having none of it. I had to (you see I didn't have an option) get myself a sewing machine, the rotary cutter and mat, the entire kit caboodle.

And quilt after quilt materialised out of the semi-formed ideas in my head. I shall hopefully get round to showing you pictures of these soon. The trouble is, sitting down at the computer is more and more difficult. I'm writing this post on my mobile.

So quilts, crochet blankets, swaddle blankets and stuffed toys all done. I got up one morning in March and just had to make pajamas for the kids. It just had to be done. You do realise that I have no control over these urges.

This is what I made.

Making sense of chaos

I struggle with change. I know that very well. But this time around the struggle is camouflaged by daily chores, the work that comes with takin care of two children, and the relentlessness of it all.

It's not helping that we have embarked on the life changing mission of potty training for N. He thinks it's a bloody waste of time, and will do anything to frustrate my attempts to civilise him just a little bit. Sigh.

I'm trying to remind myself that I love him. He's not in the slightest mood to make it easy. I have finally accepted that this one is going to be a long drawn battle.

A vase full of beautiful spring time roses ad a cup of tea are so what I need right now.

And in the backdrop looms that big ominous decision yet to be made/announced. Whether I'm going back to work or not. I'm do not good with this indecision phase. I so need to know what I will finally decide to do. Big sigh.

Teething

I think little M is teething. Or it could be wind. Or tiredness. Whatever it is, she is mighty cross. Which means she is mighty clingy. Which means N is annoyed that mommy is holding M too much. Which means N suddenly feels sad and wants cuddles too.

All of this makes for a very unhappy mommy. Too much noise, too much clinging, too much mommy, mommy, mommy.

Deep breathe. And another. This too shall pass.

Note to self: Remember, you love them.

Happy international women's day

This women's day, I am:

• Enjoying some good old fun time with a woman of tomorrow, my little daughter
• Thinking about what it means to be a woman, what it means to be me
• Thinking about what I want to hand down to my daughter, ideas, values and attitudes
• Smiling, thinking that she will probably have her own ideas and it is so much better that way
• The choices I have made, and those that I am about to make (a big one looming - watch this space!)
• Grateful for the education that I have had, enabling me to think for myself
• Letting the inner woman loose without any pre-designed agenda. At the moment, this female of the species only wants to make, make and make some more.

I am working on a crochet ripple blanket right now. Its taking its time and I am enjoying spending time with it, whatever time I'm able to sneak out for our warm huddles together that is.

What are you thinking of today?

Happy women's day to you!

Me time

When I was younger, in what seems like a different era now, those weekends when I got to spend time just by myself were recognised as successful ones. Because that allowed me to read uninterrupted, eat what I fancied, and sleep as much as I desired.

Something changed in the 20s. I craved company, friends, family, anything would do. There was a sense of desperation almost, like I would lose out on something big by being by myself. As if something terrible would happen if I were to be left alone with my thoughts, feelings and wishes.

A loving husband, two beautiful children, a home of my own and more than a decade down the song and dance of life, I again find myself craving alone time. I realise that partly it is a reaction to the intense mothering I am involved in these days, well, for the last 3 years now. The physical and emotional giving of ones self is so much at the moment, I sometimes forget that I am more than a mum. Not that being a mum is bad, or that I have any issues with it. Not to justify but only to emphasise, becoming a mother has been the single most amazing, eye-opening, life-changing experience of my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. But just because I love my kids and my role in their lives doesn't mean I don't want a life for myself. And it is in this vein that I put forth the case for some me time, time just for oneself, by oneself. Just quiet, no noise, silent time. Time to actually listen to the thoughts in one's head, conversing with them, letting them go when one is done with them, sticking with them and going to new places if thats what one sees best.

Sounds good?

Well guess what? I actually had that time recently. 25 minutes to be precise. It was wonderful. Well actually after the first 5 minutes of adjusting to the rather strange environment (inside an MRI machine is not ideal but hey, beggars and everything!) And despite the attendant's warning that the machine makes a loud noise, with a little bit of mindfulness, the machine's white noise was blurred into the background and I actually found my head. Beautiful, fresh, untouched thoughts and ideas.

While this was forced seclusion, I'm only just beginning to acknowledge the importance of time with oneself, all by oneself. After the birth of my son, I met a lot of new mums, did a lot of motherly socialisation and gave in to the popular belief that new mothers are very lonely and therefore must make all possible attempts to meet other mums as much as they possibly can. I agree that that is true to a certain extent, but most of us, including myself, are trying to run away from our realities by trying to pack the day with anything and everything, so long as it doesn't leave us in our own respective companies. We are so scared to just be, just sit, just breathe, just live this time that is right now, the way it is right now. Fear is primal yes, but also socially acquired. Whatever it might be, its best looked at straight in the eyes, isn't it? So I shall just sit, by myself, in this silence, just be, just breathe.

Try it. It works like magic.

So simple. So so simple, yet so difficult to get one's head around. I didn't think of this till I saw my son, just being, just sitting, so in one with his self, truly, deeply enjoying the moment. Why do we lose this ability to be in the moment as we grow up? I'd hate him to, it would be a profound loss.

So that's what on my mind these days. Trying not to get away from anything, just being. For the moment though, Baby M is making the most amazing noises, enjoying her moment. And I am enjoying this moment with her.

Revisiting

I came back to read my blog and was astonished to find that I haven't written a word in over a year. Where have I been? What have I been doing? So much has happened, where has the entire 2011 gone?

Another year, another baby down the line, is there really anything more to say? What I found most interesting, inspiring if you like, has been the chronicling of the big and small events of life. As I read about the books I was reading back then with N and how he was interacting at that time, I am amazed how much things have changed.

Just to document that change, I am going to keep writing.

That's my little girl up there. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, isn't she?!